Genre: Romantic Comedy Activity: a personality test Character: a gamer Waterfalls glitter a lushly forested mountain valley. The water shimmers in the bright daylight of a cloud speckled sky. Within the valley in a clearing by a flowing river sits a small town.
A woman stands waiting in the town square. She and the town are unusually still. Shoulder-length brunette hair frames her face in gentle waves. She wears a brown linen dress with a simple leather belt cinched around the waist. Her eyes at first appear unfocussed. Empty even. Gradually colour fills the brown of her irises, and her pupils close focus. She jumps up and down twice, before she seems to settle. She takes a step to the right, then the left. Two steps back, three steps forward. She spins around, turning to discover that she is not alone in the square. Another has come to join her. A man. Blond hair, grey-blue eyes. A kempt beard to counterbalance the bald head. The blue pushes the grey from his eyes, and he slowly turns to face the woman. A name appears above his head. Leon. Above hers, Martina. Their eyes meet. A notification comes through. Leon is requesting audio connection. MARTIN That was fast. Got one already. I know what you’re thinking. Where’s the missing ‘a’? It’s not a typo. You can call me Martin, and you can call ‘me’ Martina. It’s not quite the idyllic vibrant mountainscape here, but I keep my house in good order. I have everything I need. Bed, desk, fridge, microwave and, of course, my computer. It’s the only thing I have on my parents’ home insurance. I work from home, live from home, play from home. No need to go out when every escape I could dream of, I can download. All the people I could want to meet, I can meet online. Better yet, I can meet them as Martina. I check my voice modulation is working before I unmute myself and sync with Leon’s audio. He speaks first. “Hi there!” I find it’s better to let them initiate, make them feel they’re in control. At least no pickup line this time. “Hi.” I’m used to the sound of her voice echoing mine back to me. I could turn it off, but I’m always terrified that the modulator will fail me. “You new to the game?” Technically true. Martin isn’t, but Martina is. I have to make a new account every time I burn a bridge with one of these ‘relationships’. I click an emoticon and Martina nods. “Well, it seems Fate has brought us together!” He says, and laughs. A beautifully rich, bass voice. If I were that way inclined, it’d be doing wonders. No dice. Fate is the match-making system built into Dungeons and Dating, “The online dating phenomena taking the world by storm - date from the safety and comfort of your own home!” I tried the game once before, as Martin, but it wasn’t really for me. I have trouble talking to women at the best of times, and alone in a game with no visual cues to try to wrap my head around did not go well. Practically speaking, I’ve given up on that. Instead, I connect to people through accounts like Martina. We shouldn’t have connected through Fate yet. I haven’t done my personality tutorial. Though, who am I to look a gift horse in its golden grilled mouth. Leon, if you don’t mind my language, is fricken’ stacked. Decked out with rares, uniques, legacy items that aren’t even available anymore. I haven’t seen some of them on the online auctions in months. Some never. I foresee a bright future for Martina and Leon, before the necessary betrayal. I can’t decide whether to laugh or not - would that imply too much understanding? I smile instead. “Maybe you can help me out, I’m not sure how everything works.” He smiles. “It’d be my absolute pleasure. I’ll walk with you through the tutorial. Everyone has to do it at the start.” I’ve done this test many times before, but never with someone else. I usually just race through it. It starts with a choice of four doors. There’s a wooden door; a monstrous gothic metal door with gargoyles whose eyes follow you; a waterfall hiding caves within; and then there’s the hidden door - I’ve never looked for it. I’ve always chosen the wooden door, but this time I think I’ll take the waterfall. The text ‘You are in touch with nature and free-spirited’ shines as I step through the wall of water. Leon follows me through and… the test is different. Huh. Must adjust with previous choices. “Ah, beautiful,” says Lean, “I never went through this door. I found the secret one instead. ‘Adventurous and curious’ or something like that.” Vines thick with green leaves grow over the walls of the cave, blooming bioluminescent flowers of reds and blues. It is rather pretty. It leads down through to a large cavern. Another tunnel opens at the far end. In the centre sits a round platform with a set of 6 blocks engraved with symbols. A puzzle. “It’s a puzzle,” I say. Oh really. You idiot. “It is.” No condescension. Odd. Guys usually try to express superior intelligence at any opportunity. “You can get clues by clicking the question-marks on your right.” Leon is purely helpful. Maybe this will be easier than I thought. “What does the first clue say?” ‘Check the east wall’. “Well?” Leon gestures to the wall. The vines come away easily, revealing a set of letters with matching glyphs. “It’s a word puzzle, I love word puzzles!” Oh sheesh. I said that out loud. Loen laughs, in sync with his character’s emoting, “So do I!” My anxiety immediately washes away. We both crowd over the platform. Each glyph is a letter, the letters make a word. I touch the first one, an ‘A’. 60 appears above. 59. 58. There’s the pressure. I’m unfortunately hyper-competitive - just not very good at winning. I can feel the adrenaline already. “Uh, Leon, could you look at the wall and tell me which symbol matches which letter?” 52. 51. He doesn’t move. Just points. “A-N-E-R-D-G.” What? “You just memorised that from a glance?” I splutter out. He shrugs. “Like I said, I like word puzzles.” He’s a godsend. 38. 37. 36. “Thanks,” I say, “I think I’ve got it from here.” “It’s all yours.” 25. I press the blocks down to complete the puzzle and the word. “Danger.” 20. ‘You are cautious, and prepared for any eventuality. You thrive under pressure, but do not seek it. Help offered is taken, while retaining a strong self-reliance.’ Heck yeah. Martina’s doing well. I’m doing well. 15. 14. “Why isn’t it stopping?” “You chose ‘Danger’. It was an anagram, I saw Garden first, but this is your test.” 11. 10. 9. There is a rumbling from the tunnels ahead. A clashing of steel and unnatural sounds. The stone of the platform splits, and three weapons rise from within to float gracefully above it. A bow. An axe. A spear. 5. 4. Martina is not ready for close-quarters fighting. I grab the bow. ‘You prefer to see the bigger picture, addressing problems from a distance.’ Leon draws the most exquisitely expensive sword I have ever laid eyes on, and a matching ruby encrusted shield. They would go for thousands of dollars each. This is going to be a good day in the office. Though, I’m starting to like Leon. Most people I feel like they deserve it, so I never feel any remorse. I don’t know if I want to betray this man. 1. The creeps come swarming up through the tunnel, charging headlong towards Leon. I draw back the bow, ready to fire, and he sheathes his weapons. “What are you doing!?” I cry in dismay. “Look at them.” They look like enraged monsters, charging for blood. Or… maybe not. They look more terrified than terrifying. “They aren’t the Danger,” I say, lowering the bow. “We are.” ‘You are slow to anger, with care and compassion for the suffering of others.’ Leon smiles. “I like the idea, but I don’t think that’s right. They were running away.” He nods towards the tunnel. “From that.” A darkness is oozing out, drowning the light from the flowers and crumbling the vines from the walls. ‘The darkness is made of secrets. To defeat it, you must defeat your own.’ The ooze pools through the cavern. I don’t like where this is going. We both jump onto the platform as the blackness starts to flood the floor. “What do I have to do?” “I think it’s a riddle. How do you destroy a secret?” I definitely don’t like where this is going. “You share it,” I say. Leon nods. “It would be unfair, with me here, for you to contribute alone. I can help.” Let’s see what I can get away with. “I’m not a very sociable person.” The black keeps rising. “Not enough. It needs to be something stronger, like - I know that you aren’t who you appear,” says Leon. All matter-of-factly. My skin goes cold. The darkness pauses. How does he know? What does he know? “I’m…” should I? “I’m not Martina.” The ooze, hissing, bubbling, shrinks back. Here I am, caught like a fat child with a hand stuck in a candy machine. And they say time heals all wounds. Leon nods, as if it were just a casual conversation, not an admission of identification theft. Martina is a real person. The game requires a real identity, and I borrowed this one. An old school… acquaintance. It’s Leon’s turn. He faces me. “I’m not Leon.” CLANCEY This is always the danger point. Revealing the truth. At least it would have been had Martina not flown the coop so decisively. I knew her IP address had blown through accounts like a prostitute in a sailor’s dive over the past couple of years, but that could easily have been trying to avoid undetachable, unrelenting creepers. Men can, and will, be abhorrent. It was the reason I brought her to my little version of the personality test. Why I bring so many of the women who try their luck with the game here. Secrets build trust, and trust is the basis of all relationships. Oh, not like that. I may be Leon, but both my cats know me as Clancey. I’m a Game Moderator. I root out any anti-social, sexist, discriminatory, predatory, or otherwise female retention reducing behaviours. Many men come looking to find a lady in this game, and most of them, especially if they use that terminology, are unsuited to the endeavour. There is no similar reciprocal arrangement. Making multiple accounts is both a warning sign and a positive marker. It’s a lot of effort to make an additional account - showing commitment to the game and a serious cause to avoid some previous encounter. Exactly the user we want to retain, and in most danger of losing. I have to play male to pair with F seeking M players. As a bonus, I don’t have to deal with the drivelling abuse I’d otherwise get as a Mod in a socially inept male dominated dating game. The sense of entitlement overrides the rest. It’s much more refreshing dealing with someone like Martina. Whoever she really is. “Don’t worry! I’m not trying to take advantage of you,” I quickly add as Martina backs frantically toward the edge of the platform. “I’m only trying to help. I feel like I can trust you, if you can trust me too?” I can tell she’s still concerned, but not in danger of committing character death. She’d just respawn, but not here, and likely not with me again. “I can try,” she says. It feels forced. The black ooze has started to rise again, the lights of the flowers dissolving into the growing darkness. I point towards it and shrug. “I hate to say it, but it’s your turn.” She clears her throat. “I still live on my parents’ property. Not in their house! It’s a self-contained domicile. And I do pay for boarding.” Her defensiveness is endearing. I give her a pat on the shoulder. “In this economy, who can blame you? If my family wasn’t a cautionary cocktail of alcohol, disrespect and regret I’d be a lot better off. Instead, I live with Pusseidon and Chairman Meow who do nothing to help with the rent.” “I,” she starts, “I play this game for money.” I let the ooze drain out. That’s a big admission. “You’re not alone. I do too. There are others that do it in different ways. I’m a Game Admin. My job is to keep people like you playing. How about you?” “I’m in the marketing trade. Items for cash. That sort of thing. It’s not technically against the terms and conditions. I checked.” It’s not. A financial incentive brings in more committed players, whichever direction the involvement. A wilful ignorance. I don’t mind it. “And…” she’s not finished, “I’m not technically a girl.” “You’re a dude?” “Uh, yeah.” S/he sounds defeated. The ooze is gone and the cavern is left with the half-consumed remains of the previously vibrant wall-vines. I take a step off the platform, and raise a hand to help Martina down. “I’m not.” Martina accepts my hand and hops down. “You’re not?” “It just makes it easier to pair with my target players. Plus, I don’t have to deal directly with the rampant misogyny and disrespect to female admins. I use a voice modulator.” “Which one?” “Vocalizer Premium.” “That’s what I’m using!” S/he says, laughter dancing through the words. “I thought you sounded familiar! I tried that one when I first got it. Good choice. Decided to go down the male route instead.” We walk together towards the exit of the cave, and the end of the personality tutorial. The outcomes will be emailed to Martina’s linked address with more specific details, and what s/he’s decided to allow public will be linked to the account profile for Fate to play around with. We pause at the exit portal. “Do you want to do this again?” Martina asks. “You mean, as a date?” S/he shrugs. “I thought I couldn’t talk to women, but with you it seems easy. I could do with the practice.” “Sure.” S/he smiles and claps. It’s cute. “Martina!” Leon shouts in greeting. “Hello, there.” Martina smiles. “How’s the General?” “Meowbi-wan Kenobi is a little shit, but the Chairman and Puss are keeping him in line. Anyway, I’ve found one for you. He’s already harassed 3 players into blocking him, and we’re working hard to keep them retained. The name’s Jared Elstone. You have my blessing.” “Good stuff?” “He dresses to impress. Bought most of what he has, and not cheaply either.” He grins. “It’s a steal.” “Ah,” says Martina, “you always say the nicest things.”
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. . Self care - 26.01.2022 (Poem) Perceptions of reality - 2.02.2022 (Poem) Natural impunity - 9.02.2022 (Short Story) Lost in a Labyrinth - 2.03.2022 (Poem) Ministerial Standard - 23.03.2022 (Poem) Dungeons and Dating - 6.04.2022 (Short Story) Better Shared - 20.04.2022 (Poem) Touch to toilet - 27.04.2022 (Poem) Shooting Stars - 4.05.2022 (Short Story) Chop Shop - 18.05.2022 (Poem) Family Ties - 25.05.2022 (Short Story) Age of Consent - 8.06.2022 (Poem) Legacy - 24.08.2022 (Poem) Performative Enjoyment - 7.09.2022 (Poem) Bridge of Dreams - 7.12.2022 (Poem) Faultless - 22.12.2022 (Poem) Disconservative - 11.01.2023 (Poem) Single use - 1.03.2023 (Poem) Donor Cards - 6.04.2023 (Poem) Creative Art Say I - 13.04.2023 (Poem) Home-bound - 5.07.2023 (Short Story) Sand and Sea - 20.07.2023 (Short Story) Luminosity - 15.11.2023 (Short Story) About the AuthorA 33 year old medical intern who plays frisbee and likes long walks over mountains. Archives
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